Not great today

It all went a bit haywire. Morning was fine and I resisted morning tea at church. Came home prepared to make eggs but Oscar wasn't well and wanted to sleep so we both nodded off. Then came the running around of kids. By 6:30 we were home but I had a splitting headache so went and laid down at 7:30 and slept for an hour and a half. So by the time I got up I got Samuel to make me eggs and then I had bread, philly and banana and coke and tea and jaffas.

Sigh.

I did have three glasses of water and suspect the headache was caffeine withdrawal. Pretty sad.

Also stressed about book review tomorrow at church and having to get up. It will be fine. The morning will be fun. I am serving God. Stop being so lazy!

Lost it

I knew when I was typing I had gone too far. I yelled. I banged walls. I rang John for help-useless. Kids ended up upset because they can't go up there this weekend because I won't drive them. Feel like I have let them down and I am stressed I won't get a break.

On a positive note I sent them all to bed so four kids are in bed and it is only 8pm. I can hear noise though so they better settle soon.

I want to eat so badly.

Stewing

Samuel, Max and Oscar are running around wild. They have hyped Oscar up so much he has thrown folded washing all over the house. I asked the boys to sort it out, instead they are wrestling, ignoring me and Oscar is getting wilder.

I am very very angry and frustrated. They are not listening. They are making a mess. They are making a lot of noise. My feelings are overwhelming me.

Today's update

The cravings are starting a little. I would love a Coke. And I bought three bottles last night so it is accessible.

My tummy felt awful all morning so I had only eaten a banana and then before the gym I had bread, egg, tomato and lettuce.

I was really stuck about what to have for dinner but I have some frozen spinach, potato and chicken soup which wouldn't be too calorie laden.

I read a book today about binging but I didn't do all the journalling. I did realise tonight that I think the last time I went to the gym I hit 1000 calories and then stopped going.

So I did the 4:30 Swissball class. It was really hard. I am so unfit. But feel great that I went.

Also picked up 120 things.

No more victim!

I have been in such a funk. Just awful. Eating all crap, no exercise, little housework, little parenting. I think my depression may have contributed but really I think the depression was more related to feeling so out of control.

I woke up this morning and realised I have been making myself such a victim. Wah wah wah the house is a mess, wah wah wah the kids are fighting, wah wah wah I am so fat.

Now there are valid concerns about the kids not getting along and worries about how they cope with things. And I cannot completely dismiss that. But there are many things that are within my control. I can choose whether to sit around or whether to clean up. I can choose what I buy and bring into the house. I can choose whether to yell or not. I can choose what I put in my mouth and when I exercise.

Last night as usual after my regular binge (bread, coke, chips, cake, jaffas, M & M's) I decided I am only going to eat clean. I want to be lean. I want to be healthy. I wake up every morning feeling revolting. This morning I feel nauseous.

So I plan to eat and drink daily

2 litres of water
5 serves vegetables
2 pieces of fruit
150 gms lean meat
1/3 avocado
1 piece grain bread
1 egg

That's only 950 calories so I have to have something extra but I haven't figured out what yet. Maybe a bowl of cereal?

And my exercise plan which will work well is

Monday-4:15-5:15 after I drop Freya off at art class
Thursday-4:30-5:15 for Swissball
Friday-4:45-5:30 after I drop the kids off at church

I am also going to make sure I pick up 100 things a day. Start to clear the stuff. I am overwhelmed with wanting to sell stuff off so I will designate one spot to keep things. There is so much stuff I can get rid of with the kids getting older. Do not need so many books or toys. And that is a huge stressor.

So I am feeling much more positive. I just need to focus and do it. Try to handle the cravings. Hug the kids. Be kind to myself.

Good choices

So today I made gravy and only had a small amount, ate lots of veges, drank 1 litre of water and went for a wander.

It was supposed to be a walk. I remember now why I don't exercise. It's because getting out of the house takes FOREVER. 8 year old child couldn't find shoes and didn't want 11 year old to come with us, 11 year decided that meant he should endlessly tease 8 year old. So we picked up the 4 year old from preschool and walked around the duck pond. And did some very lame sprints. But I got out and got some fresh air. What I wanted to do was to nap some more so that is big for me!

Ouch

I posted here, ate my dinner, logged food into MFP. And then started getting massive stomach cramps. I have now been to the bathroom twice. I am very grateful that I haven't eaten crap today though. My stomach didn't feel great yesterday either. I stopped and got KFC for J & J last night and did think about getting some for myself but resisted partly using willpower and partly because my stomach didn't feel great.

More travel and other stuff

Last night I hastily booked a holiday to Uluru. Unfortunately we have to drive 30 hours to get there. Maybe should have thought longer. But the kids are really excited and it will be nice to get away.
Spent the weekend in assignment hell. All submitted now but have another three due in the next four weeks.
Still obsessed with weight and food. Fail.

Almost another week gone

Still upright!

Kids finished school last Friday but the first week has gone really quickly. Mum was down Friday and Saturday night. The gorgeous weather continued over the weekend. Saturday I took Max and Oscar to Killalea for some fresh air and Mum and I went to see The Importance of Being Earnest on Saturday afternoon.  Sunday we went to church then grabbed some chips and went to Killalea again then Joshua and I had a meeting at church Sunday night. Monday we were all home, Tuesday Oscar was at preschool and we played LOTR Monopoly (awesome!) and then I had a meeting, Wednesday was Max's 11th birthday so we saw The Croods in the morning, went to Hog's Breath for lunch then had three kids over for pizza and cake and today we tidied Joshua's room ready for his new bed and then I went to Anglicare. Tomorrow we are heading up to Sydney to see Bethany.

I have an assignment due on Sunday and another one the week after. I was halfway finished but due to some teacher comments on the discussion board I think I am on the wrong track. So I have abandoned it until John arrives on the weekend and I hope I can redeem it. So that's my biggest stressor at the moment.

I also haven't washed all week. So I have around 6 loads of washing to do which is an extraordinary amount for me. I usually wash very regularly. I made a start on that but even though it is only 7pm I am exhausted.

Sleeping this week has been good but I am still so tired. Sunday I slept maybe 8 hours and then slept a lot on Monday but I did get my period Tuesday and I seem to be really tired just before my period now. Tuesday and Wednesday I napped. Both nights I slept reasonably well. Today I haven't napped but I am completely done in already.

Food-let's not talk about it. I am 90.6 kgs. Eeek!

Sluggish

Wednesday morning slump.

But have long list in hand and will see how I go. Focusing on Wednesday 5 first and letting the rest slide if it is too much. But don't want to get to the end of the day with little to show for it when I am feeling well.

End of Tuesday

And a splitting headache to show for it! Made both meetings. Lots of chatting to people. Good Christian fellowship.

Wednesday 5

1. 1 litre of water
2. Email J re cheque
3. Add 250 words to assignment
4. Fold washing
5. Note for F
And one little extra
6. M's birthday invites

Tuesday's 5

A few adjustments but so far have

-been to the bank
-been to the kid's cross country-god bless my little chicken's cotton socks-she walked in last place lol
-dropped cheques into school

Also repacked dishwasher and did a quick vacuum. Been continuing my very important Europe trip planning.

All that's left is two meetings. Kids are having easy dinner tonight.

Europe 2014

I am hoping that my Mum and I will travel to Europe next year. I am an uber-planner. Nothing makes me happier than planning a holiday, working on an excel sheet or writing up a things to do list. In fact, I often enjoy the process more than the outcome lol. So I am thinking London, Paris, Belgium, maybe Switzerland and maybe Italy. Rail seems to be the way to go but Mum was thinking of a tour so we'll have to have a chat.

One day

Of drinking water and not binging and I already feel so much better physically and emotionally. So why don't I do it all the time!?

Good start

All things on my list for today done and dusted! Did quite a bit extra too. All in all a good day. Need to head off soon to pick kids up from Taekwondo but everything house wise is done. Looking forward to dinner (macaroni cheese-not low anything at all but delicious!) and watching The Mentalist once kids are in bed.

Tuesday's List of Five

1. Bank
2. Cheques to school
3. Meet with K & R
4. Meeting at church
5. Return DVD's

Quite a lot of running around so will keep it to that five.

Monday so far

I didn't sleep terribly well but was up at 7 which for me is great! It seems as though it is going to be another warm day. 25 degrees in April! Love it.
It's only 9am but so far from my list I have

-contacted L and arranged to meet
- read Joshua 6 & 7
-folded all the washing and the kids have put theirs away

I have also

-done another load of washing (will need to be folded)
-washed shoes kids took camping (so much mess after camping!)
-unpacked and repacked dishwasher
-harrangued the kids to get ready for school
-made playdough
-started drinking my water
-did the endless pick up of stuff on the floor
-cleaned out the fridge and the kitty litter and took big bag of rubbish out to the bin

The floor is a mess and now playdough has been added to it. I only vacuumed yesterday afternoon. So at some stage today I will vacuum. I have groceries being delivered this afternoon as well. Well washing machine just beeped so off to sort that out.

Monday Goals

Five simple goals for Monday.

1. Drink 1 litre of water
2. Fold and put away all washing
3. Read books with Oscar
4. Read Bible chapter
5. Contact L

Self sabotage

I am 6 weeks from finishing my course and I am choking. I am really unfocused. Four assignments left and I will be done. I am terrified of working. Of letting more people down if I get employed. Of no one wanting to employ me. Of it being too much pressure for me. I am so so scared.

Random thoughts

I am so down on myself right now. I feel as if I am at one of the lowest points of my life. I am completely overwhelmed. Last week I could hardly get out of bed. John came down on Friday and over the weekend we did do some tidying up. I have avoided everybody and everything for the past week. I feel anxious and nervous every time I think about having to do something. I look around the house and hear the kids fighting and feel like the world's biggest failure. Every day I want to do better and every day I feel like I am another step behind.
And my weight. Yep completely stress eating and hyper focused on fat. I am just under 90 kgs. Highest non pregnancy weight. Every night I vow not to binge the next day and every day I continue to binge.
The guilt and shame are ruling me right now. I hate that so much