So upset

And it goes right down to the heart of how I felt all my life. Left out of everything, not worthy of friendship, that no one likes me. I can't make friends. All I have is acquaintances.

This isn't the first time it has happened. As much as I love facebook it can be hard to watch people you know connecting without you. So there are 8 of us involved heavily in school. I just saw that five of them have gone to the movies, one is overseas and two weren't there. Don't know if they got an invite. They don't all have kids the same age. I have been watching this for years. There's another group that are really close who have kids the same age as my third and fourth kids. By the time they came around I wasn't going to school regularly so I missed that whole group and they are all so close nearly 10 years on. Even at church I feel out of a whole lot of dynamics.

I just feel like such a loser. I'm so sad.

Last couple of days

I weighed in yesterday and was 91.9 kgs. Naturally a smell of success and I haven't stopped eating. Sponge cake, crackers, cheese, milk, chocolate.

I have also been sleeping weirdly. Last night from 4am and slept until 11am. Then again from around 3pm-4:30pm. Then John made me go out and we went for a walk. I guess it was ok. We have been watching Kimmy Schmidt second season for hours.

I also did a bit of assignment work.

I have a few places to be tomorrow. I have to take boys to uniform shop and then see my literacy student. Then I am having lunch with Kaitlin. It's probably good I have plans but I hate being structured.

Still unwell

My sleep was terrible last night. Turned light off later than I planned to as husband watched two movies. Then he massaged my shoulders but I still lay awake until after 4am. Woke at 8:30 and was supposed to go to church but head was so sore. So I slept until 12 and then got up as it's my sons 14th birthday and we had tickets to see a play. They've all gone to church so I'm soaking in the bath. 

So today I have consumed...one can of Coke. Husband is picking up Pad Thai for my dinner. 

Panicking about sleep and assignments. 

No gym today

Think it was probably a wise decision under the circumstances. All I've eaten today is plain Saladas and I've had one cup of tea and a couple of glasses of water. One of the kids is vomiting again so that isn't good.

So new numbers, I was 92.8 kgs this morning, I would love to be in the 80's by May 6th which is possible losing 1 kg a week for the next three weeks. It's then 16 weeks until my birthday so if I lose between 600 and 700 gms a week that will put me in the 70's by my birthday. Then it's 18 weeks until the end of the year so a little over 500 gm loss a week from that point will see me in the 60's. That seems to be realistic and those markers are helpful to look to.

Making decisions

I've had a restless nights sleep but was in bed from 1am-10am. I got up and weighed myself and I was 92.8 kgs.

I am really struggling with whether to go to the gym today or not. I wanted to go to Body Balance as my daughter can come with me as it's school holidays. But it was only yesterday that I wasn't well and I don't feel terribly strong. But as I am the best at making excuses I might just be doing that.

However I haven't been up for long and really don't feel 100%. I could be contagious too so that is definitely reason alone to stay away from other people.

Weight loss goals

Wanted to set some goals for weight loss. That always makes me nervous because I fail so often. But it is 19 weeks until my birthday and 18 weeks from that until the end of the year. I think a reasonable goal is 700 grams a week. That would mean 13,3 kgs down by my birthday and another 12.6 kgs by the end of the year.

So by my birthday I will weigh 81.7 kgs and by end of year 69.1 kgs. Wow if I can get into the 60's by the end of the year that would be great! I do have major anxiety about that though. Maybe that's not realistic. But I don't want to give myself a license to eat all the things either.

Sickness

So we're all down with the virus now except for my husband. At 11pm last night my youngest started vomiting so I sat with him until 3am with visits from the two other kids that were sick. My husband stayed home from work so I slept until midday. Woke feeling shaky and now have diarrhoea. My husband went and bought hot chips and potato scallops for dinner last night, before we knew we all were sick and I only had a small amount thankfully because it had chicken salt on it. All I have eaten today is a pear and a cup of tea.