Back where I started

84.8kgs. I am not even so worried about the number, it's the lack of control around food. I found an app on my phone that I am going to try out. It gets you to rate your thoughts and gives you strategies in the moment to help.
I do know that I have a lot of stressors at the moment. I need to deal with it all more positively and effectively because that is life!

Yesterday was...

one year to the day that I started on my new way of life.

Basically my eating is now pretty appalling but I gave up trying to control it a couple of weeks ago and have lost weight as a result. So this morning I weighed in with a 5kg loss and just under the 80kg mark. It's the first loss in a while for me. I am trying not to beat myself up that I have gained 10kgs.

It's been such a huge year for me. 13 months since I started studying and have completed 8 out of 12 units, 11 months since my husband and I separated and 11 months since I joined the gym

I am still on Zoloft but even on Zoloft I could have low times but overall now I am coping really well. I am stressed, hence the eating but I am studying, raising five kids, involved in church activities and the school P & C. But I am managing to keep all those balls up in the air and enjoying it. That is a major change and achievement.

My gym membership is due in a month. If I paid by yesterday it would cost me the same as last year. I haven't been much at all lately. I was really ambivalent about signing up again. But I did and I felt good about that decision. Now to actually go to the gym!

The gym classes I have tried over the past year are: cycle, Body Pump, Body Balance, Yoga, Pilates, TTT, Swissball, Fat Burner, Zumba and Body Combat. And I jogged on a treadmill.

Reading back over all that I can see how capable I am. But I do still sabotage myself. And in reality I am doing the best that I can right now.

Back on track Day 7

Well not great food wise today at all. But I did finish my last assignment. I technically have a month off now although I do get the notes earlier and start work on them.

So my focus needs to be me now. I have more time and no excuses to not be caring for myself better.

Back on track Day 6

Not a great day food wise today. No water, McDonald's for lunch and chocolate. I am struggling with my mood and I'm sure it is related to not binging. Sigh. Need to get that exercise done!

On a positive note though, I have had a very productive week. I had four assignments to write, I wrote the two short ones on Monday and today, started a longer one Monday night and finished it Tuesday and just started my last one and I've done one third of it. On top of that I helped in my daughter's classroom yesterday and did some P & C stuff and went to a school meeting last night.

Today the weather was lovely so my 3 year old and I went to the park, then the library and then to McDonalds.

Tomorrow I am helping at school for my third son.

I have had a cold most of the week too so not such a shabby week overall.

Back on track-days 3, 3 & 4

Travelling along well. Sticking to my plan quite nicely. I did have 2 more pieces of bread than I planned to though tonight though.

I have been exhausted. I napped for a couple of hours yesterday and went back to bed at 5pm. I stirred a few times and got up at 8 to send the kids off to bed but slept right through to this morning. I do have a cold and I was in a really bad mood yesterday so I needed the sleep. I think my bad mood was due to not binging.

Back on track-Day 1

So it’s confession time. My weight is back up to 76.2 kgs. Every day I would be determined to do better and every day I continued to eat and eat and eat. I knew that it was because I was stressed and worried but last night I realised that that isn’t the only reason. It is the same reason as when I started to lose weight, I can focus on my expanding weight and that I am not controlling my food and I don’t have to worry about how on earth I am going to manage financially and emotionally with five children on my own. So I had new resolve today and managed to stick to it. I hadn’t been able to confront how scared I am about the future.

So I am not counting calories for now. What I am doing is eating breakfast at 9am, lunch at 12pm, afternoon tea at 3pm, dinner at 6pm and supper at 9pm. I plan out what I will eat and it is taking the guesswork out of what I am eating and makes it hard for me to push the boundaries. And I am drinking water again. I will reassess next week and see if it is working me weight loss wise and if not I will have to be stricter.

I have 9 weeks until it is the yearly anniversary of when I initially started my weight loss journey. If I lose 11.4 kgs then I will be 20 kgs down. That would be an awesome goal to meet. But 9 kgs is very very doable and I would be thrilled with that too.

Something positive

I started counselling this week. One of the things we talked about was my eating and she wanted me to not change any behaviour but observe how I was feeling around food. I have had no desire to binge since and have been leaving food. I am not counting calories but being more mindful and I am staying off the scales. But the best news is that I have been to the gym three times this week. I did cardio on Tuesday, Pump on Wednesday and Balance on Thursday. My legs are so sore from Pump but I may go to Zumba tomorrow. The counsellor and I also discussed my all or nothing thinking and that I would plan to go three times to the gym which I have done.

I have also tidied and cleaned the entire house and I'm up to date with my study. I am hopeful that the iron injections are starting to have a positive impact.

So that is where I am right now. Starting to develop my good habits again.